A Letter to the Guy Who Sang “Do You Love Me” by The Contours
Billy —
Look, I tried being nice. I tried being distant. I tried dropping hints, but nothing ever worked. I never meant to hurt your feelings, but after your latest outburst, you’ve clearly demonstrated that there’s no point in subtlety, so I’m just going to come out and say it:
No. I do not love you, now that you can dance.
Honestly, how am I even supposed to feel about that kind of question? While I do commend you for adding the mashed potato and the twist to your repertoire, let’s be honest here: Those incredibly common dances aren’t all that difficult to learn, and even if they were, it’s baffling (and quite insulting, frankly) to think you consider me the type of person who would make their love contingent on something like that.
Also, not that there would’ve been a “good” way to ask me that kind of question, but I didn’t care for your tone one bit. I don’t claim to be some kind of love expert or anything, but if you truly want to know if you’ve stolen someone’s heart, there’s got to be a better way than repeatedly screaming, “Tell me!” while your friends harmoniously echo your unhinged demands.
“Would you like to go out sometime?” for example, is a far more reasonable question after declaring that you have learned to dance. Or, if…
